Voices.

You know that feeling of feeling like you are nothing?  Like, absolutely a nobody,  accentuated by “loved” ones reinforcing the point ?

It’s almost as if nothing goes right. You are desperately wishing that it all goes fine but it doesn’t. On the other hand, things only seem to NOT happen in your favour.

You want to please someone but you just can’t. Not that pleasing someone is your priority but if that someone means a lot to you, it makes a world of difference.

You try, try harder but you only seem to go the other way. More looks and more stares. More glares as well. Tears run down your cheeks but you feel angry at yourself with every passing moment. You wish you could make the tears stop and not be such a weakling and the next instant you actually like to cry because it is your own way of letting out. Silent muffled cries.

You hate the silence. You can feel smirks. Some even dare to be sympathetic. Their audacity is apalling.

And then you have this realization that you are not really trying. You have tried but not really been at your best.  And what follows is a whole conflict of emotions – the why, the how, the what, when are all at war with each other screeching and vying for your attention.

When you fail to realize what went wrong. And why? Why were comparisons even made? Aren’t all of us different?

How desperately you wish all this was not true. All was a dream. Everything. Every little thing. Just wake up and resume to be the “awesome” one.

But things don’t stop like that. You need to work. You need to get up, dust off your pants and start new. Get back to being yourself, the happy self where you don’t fight others. You don’t fight yourself either. You just do what you have always wanted and do it the best way you can.  Ofcourse you can do it. Who can’t?

I could almost feel and hear the inner voices as she parked her wheelchair with a teary face but fiery eyes.

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24 comments

  1. Destination Infinity · April 11, 2013

    There is one movie in Tamil called ‘Anjali’. I think it was dubbed in Hindi as well. You should see it if you get a chance. Mani Rathnam’s portrayal of the lead character was so beautiful that at no time we think of the child as a differently able person. See it when you get time.

    I feel that it’s very difficult to gauge other’s thoughts and feelings. Almost always I end up assuming something different!

    Destination Infinity

    • kismitoffeebar · April 11, 2013

      I have watched Anjali where Anjali (Baby Shyamili) has a heart condition.
      This is fiction btw 🙂 But inspired from certain events in places. I agree though. But then, sometimes there is this empathy as well. And the line is fine.

  2. chattywren · April 11, 2013

    Nice portrayal about the thoughts & feelings of a physically challenged person. You are right about the reinforcement by ‘loved’ ones too. Don’t we all want a perfect world?

    • kismitoffeebar · April 11, 2013

      Thank you Chattywren 🙂

      • kismitoffeebar · April 11, 2013

        Eh! Parts of my own comment disappeared. Yeah, we all want a perfect world, one where we are happy. And it comes when people build bridges instead of walls 🙂

  3. KP · April 11, 2013

    I was wondering what you were driving at till I found the wheel chair at the end.Not all handicapped are despondent.Many overcome the deficiency with sharper faculty elsewhere.It is the encouraging and enabling environment that make or mar.I have seen quite a few with a twinkle in their eyes and confidence in their conversations.You know better as you are in this field helping out people.They need encouragement and pats and no sympathy

    • kismitoffeebar · April 11, 2013

      Absolutely KP ! They don’t need sympathy And yes, they do come up in various domains. But, I must sadly add that sometimes the environment elevates them to something and then the next moment everything crashes down because of the environment and some unfair “rules” and “regulations”. By no means does it denote anything about the person with the disability. Infact, I have met such self-driven people who not only rise up, but also do remarkably well. Nothing astonishing though 🙂

  4. Zephyr · April 11, 2013

    Trust you to have come up with this topic for fiction! Only someone who can almost live in the shoes of those whom one works with could have done this piece. Loved it. We always but always assume things about people which may not be the truth, don’t we, unless of course, we swap places with them, at least notionally.

    • kismitoffeebar · April 11, 2013

      I agree there Zephyr. It is hard to always know what is running on a person’s mind. And assuming only makes an ass of us (many a time). Though fiction, I have seen a lot of such incidents in parts. Sometimes during counselling, I have had people speak with such passion borne out of hurt, that the whole encounter becomes incredibly touching. People work like crazy to get to the top and then then boom! They need to start all over again. But they do. And this is how I’d like to think, spirit should be.
      Thank you Zephyr 🙂 You are very kind. Missed you !

  5. The Girl Next Door · April 12, 2013

    Beautifully written!
    Well, it’s not her fault that she is a wheelchair, right? I think she is a beautiful human being, a sensitive one.

    • kismitoffeebar · April 12, 2013

      Thank you TGND ! 🙂
      Yes, it is not her fault. And definitely not her weakness.

  6. Jas · April 12, 2013

    Assumptions and mostly the wrong ones. i think we spend more time building walls than bridges… I wish it was the opposite. Very nicely and sensitively written Toffee.

  7. metherebel · April 12, 2013

    Very beautiful kismi….heartfelt and very sensitive!

  8. onehonestwriter · April 12, 2013

    Fiction? Dint realize it till the last line, beautiful indeed. Touched.

  9. Amit · April 14, 2013

    This was a beautiful piece of fiction.

  10. roshniaamom · April 14, 2013

    How well you got into her head and gave voice to her emotions!! Really well written!

  11. Filter Kaapi · April 15, 2013

    You have beautifully expressed the emotional warfare going on in her heart.

  12. disha · May 11, 2013

    Simple yet beautifully expressed 🙂

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