You know that feeling of feeling like you are nothing? Like, absolutely a nobody, accentuated by “loved” ones reinforcing the point ?
It’s almost as if nothing goes right. You are desperately wishing that it all goes fine but it doesn’t. On the other hand, things only seem to NOT happen in your favour.
You want to please someone but you just can’t. Not that pleasing someone is your priority but if that someone means a lot to you, it makes a world of difference.
You try, try harder but you only seem to go the other way. More looks and more stares. More glares as well. Tears run down your cheeks but you feel angry at yourself with every passing moment. You wish you could make the tears stop and not be such a weakling and the next instant you actually like to cry because it is your own way of letting out. Silent muffled cries.
You hate the silence. You can feel smirks. Some even dare to be sympathetic. Their audacity is apalling.
And then you have this realization that you are not really trying. You have tried but not really been at your best. And what follows is a whole conflict of emotions – the why, the how, the what, when are all at war with each other screeching and vying for your attention.
When you fail to realize what went wrong. And why? Why were comparisons even made? Aren’t all of us different?
How desperately you wish all this was not true. All was a dream. Everything. Every little thing. Just wake up and resume to be the “awesome” one.
But things don’t stop like that. You need to work. You need to get up, dust off your pants and start new. Get back to being yourself, the happy self where you don’t fight others. You don’t fight yourself either. You just do what you have always wanted and do it the best way you can. Ofcourse you can do it. Who can’t?
I could almost feel and hear the inner voices as she parked her wheelchair with a teary face but fiery eyes.