What do I want?

I have this huge urge to leave the post empty. The title is pretty much all I want to ask.Rather, know. And before you imagine some such incident that might have sparked off the post, let me gesture a violent “NO”.It hasn’t been one incident. Rather, a series of my thoughts and wants that have led me to this position. To wonder – what do I want?

This is not a post meant to evoke I-thought-she-was-fine-what-happened-to-her reaction πŸ˜› For the record, I am indeed fine. Probably a li’l too fine, offlate πŸ˜›

No. Don’t mistake this to be indecisiveness. It never has been that. I think, the problem is in my prioritising. Like now. With 4 deadlines beckoning, I had to blog. With my impending supervision and Mt- everest pile of documentation and case reports beckoning tome, I had to blog.Β I just had to. Impulsiveness? Foolishness? Or am I the “you-are-not-serious-about-your-work” typos?

Nah. I am surely not. Okie. Maybe impulsive to an extent. Foolish. Lets not even go there. And who says am not serious about my work? I surely am.I enjoy every bit of “most” of it. As long as I am doin’ it by choice (which I mostly do) it is fun! Aah, yes! There are the inevitable episodes that are expected of you which I somehow manage to do too. Would not dare use “enjoy” there.

Maybe I see myself as being too special. But then, special isn’t always with a positive connotation, though I meant the positive one here. Why on earth would someone want to be doing everything? Why on earth would someone be interested in a hoard of myriad issues and disciplines that the only way to accomplish them all is to have a lifespan of a tortoise multiplied by 2?

Call it over-ambitious. But it is true that it is hard to satisfy someone who lives on dreams. Each li’l accomplishment only leads to more want. Happiness is but momentary and you’d want to make sure it lasts, forever. For you and for others.

“Try closing your eyes and see what is that one thing you want or wanted always?”, is what most agony-aunts tell you. Not that I have been told this. But have watched far too many episodes of this kind to be able to predict its next occurrence. I have to admit that I have tried it. And was even more confused.

Agreed. It is the much talked about human tendency to want and want more. I am not referring to that kind of a want. It isn’t the “want” want. It is more about nullifying wants. It isn’t just about making changes, you see. Almost like – Doing everything you can to make it want-free πŸ˜€

Alright. Am not making any sense. Still, I “want” to go on.

Probably a few of you would tell me that it is good to have a lot of wants and I may get a few of them done, actually. But will I ever be satisfied is a question. Perhaps I will be. For that one whole moment.

It is funny how everyone(most of them) dream of changing the world but end up changing their dreams. Is it even fair to comment given the circumstances? I don’t know. I don’t want to either. I am sure that I wouldn’t understand πŸ˜›

And my mind doesn’t permit me to find words to express what I feel right now. Some lexical access issues, perhaps. Or maybe it is just a phase. I’d like to believe it is not. For, life seems so very exciting now. Wanting to do a lot of things and not knowing to prioritise isn’t so bad, after all. You’d never run short of hobbies in the worst case.

Am not a list-person but still li’l ticks in my mind will be great moments, am sure. On the forever-growing-mental-representation of my very own bucket-list.

p.s. I have said this elsewhere. But then, things haven’t changed, have they?

Rant: I am having this amazing apple-bun now. And I’d love to learn to bake it. There I go again. Can’t get crazier.

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3 comments

  1. Vicky Dada (Vikas) · February 29, 2012

    Looks like what you finally ‘want’ed.. was only to vent it out πŸ™‚ Great going.. use the blog for it well!

  2. kismitoffeebar · February 29, 2012

    πŸ™‚ Thanks Vicky ! Welcome here. I sure look forward to reflecting more often here.
    Pls do visit again.

    Cheers !

  3. Janhvi · March 24, 2012

    Don’t get this otherwise – that sure sounding like a lot of ranting and venting. It is very necessary though. Glad to know more about you… πŸ™‚

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